What does it look like to make new friends as a grown woman? I get asked a lot how I've managed to start over in the friendship category time and time again. In my life I've "started over" roughly seven or eight times, depending on if our definitions of "starting over" are the same. I consider it a time when you are moved or put into a situation that is new. New surroundings, new people, new home, new church, new whatever, that is going to last for an extended period of time. I also recognize that there are many people that have done this far more times than I have. I'm no expert, but I have managed to learn and grow A TON since my first experiences years ago.
I want to add, first and foremost, that starting over for me does not mean erasing the people from the past places I've been. It means carrying them with me and doing the work it takes for long distance friendships the best I can. Does every relationship survive when you can't tend to it day in and day out, face to face? Nope. But the people who put the work in alongside you will be with you for a lifetime. *shout out to my lifers* I'm going to address holding on to your lifer buddies in another post because that's a whole other topic that has my heart but for now let's talk about making new friends.
I want to think to yourself right now. Who are your people? Who comes to mind when you think of who you'd take a week long vacation with and still love them after or who you would have over to your house while you're still in your pajamas with toys and dishes everywhere? Now think of how much work it took to get to that point. Did it take you weeks? Years? Did you click immediately? Do you remember when it clicked and you yelled in your mind, "I NEED TO KEEP HER!"
I'm very familiar with the peace I feel when I'm jiving with someone who I could see being one of my "people." This sounds so weird and almost like a dating scenario, buuutttt that's basically what's happening here so we just have to say it like it is. I'm going to share a few things that have helped me find a tribe of people when starting from scratch. And let's be real, starting from scratch can also apply to someone who has lived in the same place or hasn't stepped out of their comfort zone for their entire life. Maybe you've been burned by friends, so you're starting over. Maybe you're looking for more meaningful relationships with people that point you to Christ. Maybe you've never had a friend outside of your siblings or spouse. Whatever it is, I think these can apply.
1. Go first in being vulnerable. (Then see my previous post about the vulnerability hangover.) It pays off in the long run to share about yourself, the ups and downs of life, and the tiny details. It can be excruciatingly hard and sometimes awkward, especially if it is not reciprocated. But no matter what, it opens the doors to a deeper, more meaningful friendship. Pro-tip: The quicker you do this, the better.
2. Join the adult version of a "club." Not a dancing club. Although I do have some friends who can for sure break it down. What I'm saying is, don't just join a church, join a group within the church that is specific to your strengths and likings. i.e. With this move, we joined a church, and I immediately joining the decor team, a women's Bible study, and a family small group. All things that I enjoy and am very passionate about. This is something I've learned along the way. Just joining a church does not bring you people. Especially nowadays with it being hard to connect when you just see people on a Sunday morning and kids are yelling in your face for a donut. This also pertains to joining things outside of the church. A MOPS group, a book club, an intramural sports team, etc. Your people will (most likely) not find you, you need to go find them.
3. Initiate the hang out, then keep hanging out. I am THE MOST awkward and I have A LOT of social anxiety. I've gotten better in my old age because I care less about looking ridiculous but in the past I just made a fool of myself to the point of no return. For me these days, being awkward looks like talking way to much. I just talk and talk and if no one stops me, I pretty much just end up in a conversation with myself. Josh loves this and loves to watch me crash and burn. Me filling awkward silences is his favorite form of entertainment. ALL OF THIS TO SAY... even though hanging out with people at the beginning of the friendship can be awkward, if you want it to ever get UNawkward, you have to KEEP hanging out. Satan will tell you after you hang out that she hated you and that she thinks you're a weirdo but if you feel like you're clicking, keep hanging out. The more you do, the easier it will get. Showing up and following through with step has made my family and I some really special friendships.
4. Go outside of your house, but not just outside, IN THE FRONT YARD. I can 100000% back up this advice with evidence from our moves to Morgantown, DuBois, and to Lancaster. This was a slow learning process for me. In Morgantown, it took me 3 years into living there to stop hiding inside or in our backyard. I literally wouldn't go outside if someone was out because I was so fearful of awkward small talk. Then one day Josh forced me to start going out front and everything changed. We sat outside with our neighbors for hours and talked while the kids played. Our neighbors in DuBois welcomed us with open arms and became like family to us because we made an effort to see one another. I sobbed at the idea of leaving them when we moved. But here we are in Lancaster and our neighborhood is the best. Did I want to hide inside when we first got here, yes. Did I hate the awkward small talk at first, yes. But we powered through it and after weeks of being out front everyday, engaged in conversation, friendships were created. Now we are celebrating holidays and birthdays together, a neighbor is cutting our grass when we're struggling to make time, and we're gathering in the driveway for a bonfire after the kids go to bed. Do not fear the front yard.
God knows who you need and when you need them. He is not going to let you miss out on the people that are supposed to be apart of your life in the season you are in. I truly believe this. I also really struggle with this. When we moved to Lancaster and saw the options for churches to attend I truly almost had a panic attack. Church "shopping" should not create that type of anxiety but it did for me. There were so many churches to pick from. I knew that's where we'd find the majority of the people we would do life with and where we'd go serve and go deep. I didn't want to pick the wrong church and miss out on the people God had for us. I carried that burden so heavily and nearly felt crushed by the pressure of choosing the right church. When I finally let it go and laid it at His feet, we went back to a church we had already visited and God spoke directly to Josh and I that morning and that was the church. Previously that peace and clarity had been so clouded by my own need for control (per usual) that I wasn't allowing God to lead us. Now who's to say this will be our forever church but for right now we have peace that He has us where He wants us.
All of this to say, if you are seeking Christ in regards to the friends He wants to have in this season of life, He will provide. Christ is not out to put His children in total isolation. He created us for community. Sometimes community looks small and intimate, other times it's growing or you're navigating. All of those scenarios are proof of Christ's abundance.
Starting a friendship from scratch can be exhausting. The work you have to put in can be daunting and sometimes it takes a long time to see the fruit. But when that person you've been "pursing" sees you struggling and prays for you and speaks life over you, it'll be worth it. Added bonus comes when they babysit your kids or do your dishes. Disclaimer: You should not pursue friendships just to get stuff out of it, but there are definite perks. HAHA!
So what can you do to be proactive in making a real life, big girl friendship? I hope one of these makes a lightbulb go off for you. And p.s. maybe don't go outside in the front yard until the temperature is above freezing because you might be standing out there alone for while.
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