I'm on a making friends kick around here so I thought I would share some more thoughts on the topic. If you've read the posts under the tab "The Table" on the main menu of website you know about the community of women that God prompted me to start while living in DuBois. At one of our meetings we had a panel of women come in to address relationships. We discussed friendship, marriage, family dynamics, parenting and so on. One of the women that I asked to be on this panel was someone I met through my MOPS group. She was a Mentor Mom, which simply means she was a seasoned mom with grown kids, who could offer advice and support to those of us who are in the trenches with young kids and young marriages. Her name is Toni and she is wise, funny, and deeply rooted in Christ.
At this panel someone asked a question about having friendships as a grown woman. I can't remember the exact phrasing of the question, but Toni's answer was simple yet so profound. It has been in the back of my mind ever since.
She answered that she thinks that, in all stages of life, it is important to have a "bouquet of friends."
A bouquet of friends looks like this:
Someone older than you. = A Mentor
Someone in the same season of life as you. = A Best Friend
Someone younger than you. = A Mentee
Obviously there will be a few in between or a few in each category. I am certainly not trying to tell you to only have three people in your life. But in a general sense, this is such great advice. I love the picture it draws and the structure it gives to those who feel like they are drowning in the sea of women around them and don't know where to start.
It's important that we thoughtfully fill these positions in our lives. This is not just slapping a title on someone you know and calling it good. This is intentionally pursuing these relationships, pouring into these people, walking through the good and bad, and most importantly, making sure Christ is at the center. You should be pointing your people to Christ and you should hold them to the same standard to reciprocate this.
When I was in youth group I specifically remember a lesson we had about having an "inner circle" of friends and then all other "acquaintances" on the outside. The inner circle is going to be small, probably no more than 5 but maybe just one. These people know the deep, dark secrets about your life. They are your "3 AM" friends, if you've heard that phrase before. You could call them at 3 AM and they'd be there for you. (I'm sorry to my people... I'd be there for you but I might be crabby.) To make my point, not everyone in your life can be that person for you and you cannot be that person for everyone. This seems a little harsh but the reality is, if you are that person for everyone, you are falling short in another area or just plain exhausted because doing that will not lend time to self care or your marriage thriving, etc. You will not find what you are looking for in true community if you push yourself to make an "inner circle" of fifteen people.
As women we crave community and for good reason. We need our people. That's why the phrase "find your tribe" took off I think. Everyone is looking for those few closely knitted people to walk through life with them. But ultimately we need to remember to give ourselves some grace through the process. Trust that Christ is the orchestrator of all things in our lives and He goes before us and prepares these relationships. Finding your mentor does not depend entirely on you. You need to make an effort but you can also trust Him to deliver.
A "bouquet" of friendships does not happen by accident. Currently in your life are there people that could or do fill those 3-5 positions for you. Are you being mentored by someone right now? Are you discipling someone that is "younger" than you (in age, life season, or spiritual maturity)? Do you have someone walking through the highs and lows with you? If not, it's time to work.
No comments