Standing in the Tension

Have you ever found yourself standing in the middle of a situation or a decision making process where you know the right thing to do but you wish you didn't?

Have you ever felt that massive tension between have a peace that passes all understanding from Christ but at the same time wishing it away because it's leading you to something or somewhere that you don't want to do or go?

No?

Ok, well I have. More than once in my life.

Over the years, with all that I've experienced, I have become very in tune with this peace I am describing.  The communication and union I experience with Christ when I'm in that tension, begging Him to reveal His plan to me, has become such a beautiful part of my story.

Two of these experiences have happened in the recent years and months.  Both times it has had to do with us moving our family to a new place.  The first time I went through this rollercoaster of emotions was towards the end of residency when we had decided to move to DuBois, PA.

I did not want to move there.  I REPEAT I WAS LIKE HECK NO! NOT A CHANCE! There are a handful of reasons I felt like this but they don't matter right now. I sobbed for months.  Looooonnnng story short, God moved us there.  And I went kicking and screaming (this part is literal). BUT all the while, I also had this unexplainable peace THAT I DID NOT WANT TO HAVE.  I thought the Lord didn't care about me and my heart and my hurt.  I thought He wasn't hearing my cries.  Why, of all places on earth, would you move me there when He knows all my reasons for not.  But at the same exact time I was crying, I was also at peace.  I knew He was holding me in the palm of His hand and that there had to be a reason.  This had to be a part of something bigger.  Fast forward a year into living in DuBois and He had revealed Himself so evidently to me that I was practically blinded by His light.  There was healing. There was restoration. There was deep, amazing friendship and community. Dreams were chased, hope was restored.  Don't get me wrong, there was fear and hard stuff, and intense vulnerability but it was right and real and worth it.

He provided more than I could have asked for, thought of, or imagined.

But let's fast forward, shall we?  God asked us to move again this past spring.  Que the sobbing, kicking, and screaming.  I left the DuBois the same way I entered.  When Josh shared his heart with me about moving I literally thought he was losing his ever. loving. mind.

Why would he or God ask me to do this again?!? Don't they know I hate change?? I think the Lord does.  Maybe that's why He won't stop making it happen. Haha!

I was so upset when I found out we'd be moving again.  I had gone all in. I mean ALL IN in our community.  I thought we'd be there forever. God had other plans.

As I began to lay my emotions down and seek Him, I found myself at that place of peace again.  Peace that passed all understanding.  I could not figure it out.  Why am I ok with this?? All things point to this being dumb and stupid and NOT FAIR.  I was feeling, "poor me" and "no one else has to keep moving to new places and starting over again and again," but God poured that peace all over me.

He even gave the people around us words to speak over us.  Words that would cover the doubt like a blanket.  Words like "abundance," "overflowing," "goodness," "freedom."  All things that were ahead for our family.

I so did not want this move to be the right decision for our family.  I actually prayed that God would tell me to tell Josh that we shouldn't move.  I remember on the drive home from our first visit to Lancaster, he asked me how I felt about it all.  I couldn't even talk about it.  The tension was so gripping. At the same time, I wanted to scream, "YESSSSS! WE HAVE TO MOVE HERE RIGHT NOW GOD SAYS SO!!!" and " NO!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME I'M NEVER MOVING HERE SHUT UP AND DON'T ASK ME AGAIN!!" (And yes, my mind is angry sometimes. I know you're shocked. HA!) So I just said I couldn't talk yet.  I couldn't process it all.  How could it be so confusing to me and so clear at the same time?

This is where faith comes in and where prayer can't be our back up plan. When we are in deep communication with Christ, the peace He gives us is our answer. Much to my disappointment, it will not be written in the sky HAH! But that doesn't mean He won't be clear. Are you communicating with Christ about where you're struggling to trust Him? Are you talking to Him about what you're wrestling with more than you're talking about it with your spouse and BFF?  When we devote ourselves to hearing from Him and not from the world, we can allow ourselves to sit in the tension and feel the pull, but still answer confidently about where or what He is calling us to. We can put our faith and trust in Him to show up and provide on the other side.  Little by little I'm seeing it here.

As of now, it hasn't been written in the sky what our purpose in Lancaster is, but the "abundance" and "goodness" have shown up in so many details.  They look like neighborhood kids running through the yard playing with the boys, a conversation that's below the surface at a women's Bible study, a bonfire in the driveway, and not needing Google maps to get to the grocery store (amen.)

It is good. It is God.