Happy New Year! haha! I'm late to the game but I'm skipping January and pretending that February is the start of my new year. I can do that because I'm the boss of this blog and a new beginning can be whenever the heck I want it to be. If you need a do over, I'm giving you permission to have one too. We were plagued with illness for the first three weeks of the year and are finally seeing the light. I'm back and ready to dig in so here. we. go.
The year 2020. Like what?!?
Over the past few weeks I spent some time reflecting on the past 10 years. The difference between where I was then and where I am now is literally astounding. The best and only way to describe it is, ONLY GOD. Without His never ending supply of grace, unconditional love, and relentless pursuit of my soul, I would not be where I am today. Sounds like an acceptance speech. But it's truth. The funny (and obvious) thing is that I have CLEARLY not arrived. But I've grown so much over the past 10 years and am lightyears away from that person I used to be.
Let's take a look at 2010 Dana. 21-22 years old. Just out of college. Grappling for attention. Wrong relationships. Out on Saturday. Youth Leader on Sunday. Lonely. Confused. Dependent. Anxiety ridden. Looking for worth and purpose anywhere and everywhere it could be found.
I vividly remember the intense feeling of brokenness that weighed me down. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It was like I was on a merry-go-round that I wanted to jump off of so badly but just couldn't get up the guts. I just kept going and going and repeating the same decisions over and over. Acting like a fool emotionally. Resisting any nudge from the Holy Spirit to give up control of my life. I could guide anyone going through something similar but could not take my own advice. I could preach to someone until I was blue in the face about who they are in Christ and what He has for their life but I didn't believe it for myself. I wanted out of the sick cycle but was terrified to break free because I feared the unknown on the other side.
What if breaking free left me alone with myself. The constant berating I would put myself through was enough to make anyone go crazy. I was on the brink of explosion. I kept myself insanely busy so that I wouldn't have to truly sit with myself in the still moments. I would sob big, angry, sad tears in my car while the worship music played and then get out of the car and be who everyone needed me to be. But I was broken. So broken.
Flash forward to today. 32 years old. An amazing husband. Three precious kids. Progress. Purpose. And still so much grace. There have been SO many changes over those ten years. I had so many people cheering me on and reminding me I was a daughter of the most high King. Building me up and tearing down the walls that I had built.
In the spring of 2011 I met my man. ON THE INTERNET. Umm that's a thing now, but in 2011 that was the weirdest thing anyone had ever heard of. Shout out to eHarmony. Get your girl on a commercial, stat! The beginning of our relationship was glorious, hard, and oh so formative. Maybe this whole story needs it's own post so I'll hold off on some details but life circumstances did not set us up for success. School and work and baggage made us have to WORK for our relationship and we made it! The obstacles have given us a deeper love and appreciation for one another.
So I got my man and I think, ok now God has answered my prayers and we are set. PSYCH. We get married fast and immediately move away from everything I've ever known. We spent 2012- 2017 in Morgantown, WV for Josh to go through residency. That residency life is NO joke. Those years were again, hard but formative. 2017- YAY residency is over let's take our two babies and move home to Pittsburgh! PSYCH. Let's move to the one place in the world I did not want to go, DuBois, PA and start over. Even though I went kicking and screaming, God changed me there. He changed my heart. He showed me who I am in Him and gave me a renewed sense of purpose and freedom. He showed up and showed off. GREAT!! Now we get to live here forever and live happily ever after! PSYCH. 2019- time to move again. God has more work for us in Lancaster, PA. He will be faithful but it will be painful. I was crushed. Didn't God realize I had already mapped out my life?!
So here we are. I told our small group the other night that I've decided to give in to the fact that we live here. It only took six months, so I'll call that a win. I've decided to be present mentally and to show up and dig in. I've decided to acknowledge the bitterness I have towards God for uprooting us and for making things "hard on me" again.
God is moving. He's working. I know it. I don't see it clearly. Mostly because the bitterness takes away my ability to see it. But He's in the midst. He's helping me navigate friendships and rhythms, writing and serving. He's pursuing me and waiting for me to chase after Him. Waiting for me to realize that all of the disappointments that I've experienced in my life are really just exposing the expectations of my heart that weren't promised to me. He is continuing to remind me that sanctification is on going and there will be no arrival. He's causing me to truly look outward at my circumstances but also further inward for true spiritual transformation instead of selfish ambition.
Someone very special to me has been telling me since I was 13 years old to stop trying to plan my own life. Stop trying to take control. It seems that's the lesson that God has continually tried to teach me over and over. "Let me be in the driver's seat, Dana." is the line I'm sure He is repeating over and over. I'm fervently praying that the next ten years and beyond look more like be being along for the ride and less like a scenario from my mom trying to teach me how to drive which was her in the passenger's seat actually grabbing the wheel from me to control how we get to our destination. haha! God wants us to give up this burden of control and take up the burden of surrender. We must give up our selfish plans and dreams for the future, stop focusing on what we can "make happen" for ourselves, and seek the better plans that God has for us. And God's plan is not just better. He himself is better.
God has rescued me time and time again. His timing is perfect. He promises this for you too. Whatever has happened in the past is covered by His grace and His sacrifice for us on the cross. Whatever is to come is already prepared and brought to fruition through Him. Let's trust Him and lean in. What He has in store for us is better than anything we could ask for, hope for, or imagine. My life is proof that those statements are true and He is faithful. Look back at your last ten years... and your last twenty. Where have you seen Him do it? And where are you trusting He'll do it again? You know the song haha! In case you don't know the song, (click here.)
The point is, there will never be new growth in old places or old ways. Be willing to step out of your comfort zone and into Christ's call of being cross bearers. Set out on the journey of true sanctification and rely on the one who's strength is made perfect in our weakness. When we look back in 2030 let's be able to say we went ALL IN.
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