Have you ever been hungover? But not the kind of hungover you're thinking of. The kind where you open up your heart, say to many words, go to the deep places, and then wake up to feel regret and anxiety.
I have. More than once. And it's called a "vulnerability hangover."
I don't think I coined this phrase. I don't remember where I heard it or from who, but I'm pretty sure when I first heard it years ago, I was confused. I don't think I had fully experienced the trauma of going all in and then being like "Why the heck did I just bare my soul and go to my dark places with other people listening?!?!"
But once I did, it all made sense.
When you move a lot, you have to start over a lot. You have to make new friends quickly and efficiently. I don't prefer to stay in the shallow end of friendships so I learned the hard way in a few seasons of life that if you want "all in" friends, you have to be an "all in" friend. (i.e. "I'll go first.") Once I grasped this concept, I knew I wanted to go to the hard places, fast, with people I identified as safe, possible friendships.
This looks like being together with some ladies that I feel safe with, who can speak life and Christ over my past or current circumstances. The starting point is sharing your heart, the good and the bad. The situations and events you've endured that are a part of you and have made you who you are. The dark places of hurt or glorious pictures of redemption that have manifested themselves into your day to day life. All of the messy, beautiful parts that make up who you are and why you do what you do.
Then in all it's glory, the vulnerability hangover follows. Sometimes it hits when you get in your car right after or maybe when you wake up the next morning. But you just start asking yourself ALL the questions. Why did I say this? Is she judging me for doing that? Will it be weird now because I shared those things? Did I scare her away? Maybe I need to text and explain myself further!!!
Then these thoughts, THAT ARE NOT FROM CHRIST, will enter. I'm a horrible friend. They won't want to be my friends because I'm ______. I'm a fraud. I'm not good enough. I'm too messed up for A.B.C. That is Satan creating a battlefield in your mind. He uses our desire to be known and understood to send us spiraling out of control.
In these moments of experiencing the vulnerability hangover, we need to pull from scripture to quickly combat the lies Satan tells us. I am good enough. I have endured pain and trials for the good of Christ while He continues to work all things together. I should boast in my weaknesses to proclaim the power of Christ. Everyone experiences the hills and valleys and no one is expected to keep in all inside. I must continue to take every thought captive and declare that I have victory over my dark places because of my Living Hope that is Christ.
This is not always natural. Our flesh highlights the pain which prolongs the healing. There is healing in saying the messy stuff out loud in a safe place where it doesn't have to all make sense. It doesn't need to be in chronological order or tied together with a bow on top. It just needs to be outside of you- out of the dark and into the light. That's where the freedom begins.
Honestly, I have always been a pretty open book but the part I didn't realize until recently, was that I didn't need to feel bad about it. I realized that I was actually healing along the way. I was dealing with my own stuff, and while letting people in, I was helping to jumpstart their healing too. The intensity of the vulnerability hangover increases when the other parties you are talking to do not reciprocate in going to the hard places. Basically when you word vomit and everyone just stares at you. So you continue to say more words. I have no experience with this. *palm over face* With that said, go to the hard places with someone! Do not just stare at the person spilling their guts! If you feel like you don't have the right encouraging words and scripture isn't coming to mind, that is OK! Pray over them, pray for the circumstance that's consuming them, pray for peace and God's presence to be made known.
Prayer will reinforce that the Lord's mercies are new every morning. On the car ride home you'll spend less time dreading tomorrow and more time relishing in the hope of Christ and His faithfulness. Coming alongside someone in their healing is truly one of the best things you can do for your own restoration.
It all comes down to this, vulnerability creates community. Who can you be vulnerable with? Is there someone you know that needs a safe space to share? I encourage you to pray and act.
